Philophobia: is the fear of being in love and falling in love. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past but also can be chronic phobia
I must admit that finding love, a true and great love is something that i’ve always wanted in my life. But when it comes to me, this quest comes coupled with a crippling fear of it. (i.e Philophobia )
I’ve been through a few dating websites in my short time in adulthood, and a select few men that i could see myself with for the rest of my life. Taking steps to meet them, date them and start a connection is hard for me. I’ve only ever seen 3 men, in a relationship/dating sense. Each time a connection is made, the guy starts to have feelings for me, and as soon as i can feel it, or they let me know…. BAM!! like someone slapping me a cross the face, Philophobia kicks in.
The worst part of it, is that in the perspective of these men, i’m leading them on, playing games. I seem cold, distant, uncaring. But in my perspective, its because i’m feeling something towards them, that i start to distance my self from them, in fear of love. And i cant seem to let them know.
My mother went out of her way to make sure that i know im loved, my father on the other hand wasnt part of the picture much in my life, and doesn’t express many emotions, its hard to even know what he feels. I have been loved, and loved others, but when it comes to dating, its a fault that i cant seem to shake.
This is something that i work on every single day. not in the sense that i try to connect with other. but in the way that i have to work on loving myself first. In the famous words of RuPaul ” If you cant love your self, then how in the hell are you going to love some one else.”
I wrote this to let people know, that this is a serious issue, and when a guy you love, that doesn’t seem to love you back, could possibly have this fear. and that you should try to understand it. For people like me, with this fear. its hard to give your heart away. And its even harder when your aware of the issues.
In my life, 21 years of life. I’ve only fallen in love twice. Once when i was just 14, with a very kind guy in the US. It was a long distance relationship that i had for a long while. And the second was when i was 19, with a handsome man. only i fell in love with him about much later. Strange that i never met him even though we lived in the same province, never spoke to him over the phone, and yett ive kept contact with for a long time since that time. I can’t tell if i love the person he is. or the ideal of him. In any event, ive never told him how i felt, nor will i ever. I haven’t been in a place in my life that im ready to start dating. No job, no place, no extra education, distance is an issue, family problems. and the list goes on.
When is the perfect time to start loving, and how can you get over this fear. These are things i constantly ask myself.